We see infidelity on shows like The Affair and Divorce, and maybe even hear about cheating that goes on in the relationships of friends of friends.
But what about when the unthinkable happens to you? "There's no way this is happening to me and to us," you may think when you find out your spouse has engaged in an affair. Your first reaction may be, "We're over."
But research (and many sex and relationship experts) say that there is life after an affair for a couple. Your relationship doesn't have to die. If both parties want the marriage to heal and grow, that can happen, with a lot of dedicated work, of course. Below, five couples counselors share their opinion on cheating, when there is hope for a couple, warning signs that you should get out of your relationship, and the healing process post-affair.
You found out your spouse had an affair—now what?
"It is important to do three things. One, remember that people cheat for lots of reasons, including opportunity, so your partner's affair might not mean that your marriage has to end. Two, it is important to take care of yourself. This crisis phase will pass and things will become clearer when the intense emotions settle for both of you. Don't make any major decisions about the relationship during this crisis, in fact, put the 'divorce' word on the shelf for now. And three, when you feel like you can communicate clearly—and address the big question, why did this affair happen to us?— then you know you have moved to the 'insight' phase. Asking for details about the affair won't answer the ultimate question you really have, which is what was happening between the two of you that caused the infidelity."
— Tammy Nelson, Ph.D., sex therapist and author of The New Monogamy; Redefining Your Relationship After Infidelity
Why married partners cheat
"Sometimes people are totally done and checked out. They've fallen out of love and truly have a deep connection with another person. Or, they're done and use cheating as a justification for the relationship to be over. But more times than not, people cheat because desire is lost, they have incredible shame around something in their lives, or because they've been attempting to communicate something that keeps getting missed and cheating (and it being found out) becomes the catalyst to finally having the conversations and being heard. I know that sounds strange and backwards, but I have so many people who share that they felt so disconnected and unheard around a particular topic that it felt impossible to get anywhere with their partner. In that space, people check out and can try to connect elsewhere (with another person). It's the wrong path to take, but many people do not know how to stay in that space and communicate and be heard effectively, without having to exit the relationship and get the need met elsewhere."
— Vienna C. Pharaon, licensed marriage and family therapist
The way to repair and healing
"Discussing the ways to remedy the situation are just as important as helping the person who was hurt and angered voice his or her feelings. Apologizing is not enough. [Saying] 'I am so sorry for all of the pain I have caused' may have to be repeated daily and then monthly for a while. Trust can come back if, on a daily basis, the partner can check in and assess, 'Was there any reason to mistrust my partner today?' Over time as the answer continues to be 'no', balance and more trust emerges again. Obviously, knowing the relationship is being worked on continuously, healthfully, by both parties, is important too."
— Lee Fallis, psychotherapist
Have patience with yourself and your partner
"Go to therapy. It's so important to have someone who can guide you through this process. Be patient. This isn't something that will be repaired in a few weeks or a few months. Don't fall into victim and villain roles. At the beginning of therapy I always tell the person who cheated that I do not look at them as the villain. I say this in front of the other partner. It's important to set the stage this way. They are not a villain just because they chose something wrong. Both are contributors. Stay away from labels. It's very dangerous for the relationship if a couple wants to rebuild.
— Vienna C. Pharaon, LMFT
Baby steps to mending your marriage
"Rebuilding a relationship after an affair takes three things: One, rebuilding trust which requires apologies and forgiveness; two, building into the relationship honesty and transparency, and the commitment to talk about all the scary things; and, three, time."
— Reid Mihalko, sex and relationship sexpert
Get ready for growth
"Trust that you are going to learn and understand new parts of yourself and your partner. Some of the most beautiful work comes out of this space. I know so many couples who have grown in such remarkable ways after the affair. They would both agree that they wish it didn't take the affair to shake up the system, but are able to see why it was a part of their story. You can repair after affairs, and you can be stronger than you've ever been. Just remember that both of you have your own hurt. Listen to understand it."
— Vienna C. Pharaon, LMFT
What to do after therapy
"Constant communication, including checking in with each other, is essential throughout a healthy relationship. Figuring out how to tell one's partner what one is thinking, or wrestling with, should be a basic rule. Even starting a conversation with, 'I don't know how exactly to say this, but...' is a start."
— Lee Fallis, psychotherapist
Warning signs that shouldn't be ignored
Joyce Marter, licensed psychotherapist and CEO of Urban Balance, says the following behaviors may indicate a rift in the relationship that's beyond repair:
- Cheating is a pattern. "This could suggest a chronic issue like a serious sex or love addiction or a personality disorder such as narcissism or even sociopathy (in cases of lying and betrayal with no remorse)."
- "They are no longer in love with you and/or are in love with somebody else."
- "There is the presence of emotional, physical or sexual abuse or violence. Abuse is never okay. If your partner is saying they cheated because you somehow made them, this is a sign of emotional abuse. Seek treatment right away."
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